Dreams

Dreams are something I cannot explain but I am one of those people who believe in my dreams. I remember only a few of my dreams I have ever had. These dreams that I remember are dreams that have felt like I wasn't dreaming. Dreams that somehow have meaning and I didn't know their meaning until the moments came. I first noticed These dreams back when my grandfather past away. I would say I was about 13 years old. I was in the band, second chair clarinet at that! Well in my dream I was in an orchestra. It was beautiful music that was playing. Music that you could put on close your eyes and imagine a waltz, like Cinderella and Prince Charming. Well all of a sudden (in my dream) a boy came up to me while I was playing and asked me to dance. I took his hand and he spun me around. Before I knew it I was dancing this waltz with this boy and I was dressed up in a beautiful gown. I closed my eyes and we danced and danced in the clouds until the music stopped. When I opened my eyes I looked at the boy only to realize it was my grandfather. He smiled at me and said he had to go. I was confused and I asked to go with him but he told me I couldn't go with him. He kissed me on top of my head and he disappeared. The next morning my grandfather passed away.

This May something similar happened. I had a dream around mother's day. A horrible dream about my father in law and my son. It was like any day. I was home and it was normal routine with the kids. Feedings, cartoons, laundry, dishes, etc. At some point I was sitting there with Alaina, CJ was napping, and I received a phone call saying Clint's father had a heart attack! I was heartbroken to receive the news and I didn't know what to do. I had to tell Clint. After I got off the phone I went upstairs only to realize my son wasn't breathing! I woke up from this dream scared out of my mind. I went to my son, picked him up and held him the rest of the night and in the morning I called Clint's father. I didn't know the meaning of that dream until a week later when I found my son not breathing in his crib.

The next dream I had was after that horrible day in May. I found myself in a room that reminded me of a hospital but there was no machinery. Just a quiet room with a rocking chair. It was peaceful. I was sitting there just me and CJ and I was holding him. I stood up with him when the door opened and I didn't look up. I just kept looking at CJ. He was smiling at me. He reached up to my face with his cute little hands and touched my face. I was so happy just holding him. Then I felt someone stand behind me looking down on CJ too. He put one arm around my waist and the other around the arm I was holding CJ with. At that moment CJ looked at me and his eyes lite up. He looked at the man then back at me and all he said was Daddy. I woke up from that dream and it was the first night Clint was home two days after the baby passed away.

This dream was a hard dream to dream. Something I found myself waking up in the middle of the night crying to. I was nowhere specific. Everything around me was white, but not really white but bright and peaceful. All I saw was my beautiful son sitting there in his bouncer. Oh how he loved that bouncer. He was laughing and playing in it. I was so happy to see him. I missed him so much! He was happy to see me too. This time though I wasn't holding him. I don't know why I wasn't cause I wanted to run to him and hold him. I just sat there and watched him. Then he looked away and then back at me. He reached out his hands as if he wanted me to pick him up. I didn't pick him up as much as I wanted to. He almost looked sad, like he didn't understand why. He then asked me 'mommy will you come with me?' As much as I wanted to just go with me I knew I couldn't. I wanted to reach out and pick him up and just walk with him. Everything in me was screaming hold him, but I didn't. All I did was look at him and I said 'no baby mommy can't go with you.' Then he disappeared. The next morning I buried my son.

I didn't dream after that for a while. When I finally did dream again it was of CJ. This dream I found myself doing research on everything! This dream had so many details and so many people and names to pay attention to. I couldn't believe how real this dream felt and how much I could remember and replayed over and over again to understand it. I still don't know the meaning to this dream. It started out that God gave us one more day with CJ. It was 24 hours we got back with our son. We enjoyed the day from the moment the sun rose. Then all of a sudden Clint came running in saying 'Heather I found a way we can save him. There's a loop hole.' I didn't know what he meant all I knew was we were leaving. Clint and I were leaving and we had CJ with us. We were running from something, or someone. I didn't know who or what but we were running. We found ourselves running down this alley way and Clint said 'we have to keep going we are almost there.' Then this black guy (I cant remember his name) was there. He was homeless and he said 'Im sorry but you cant get through here.' We begged and pleaded with him to let us pass because we needed to save our son. This guy despite not letting us through gave me this feeling of he was helping us and that we may not understand but this was the way it had to be. It was almost like how you get that feeling when you find yourself praying to God and he answers you in ways you didn't expect. Clint was furious and he fought this guy. He threw him out of the way and was wrestling with him. All I heard was Clint yelling for me to keep going that I would know how to save our son when I got there. I didn't know where I was going but I ran. I ran for what seemed like hours. For one split second I closed my eyes and when they opened I was home. I was in my house with my family. Alaina was there and I had CJ in my arms. I still had that worried feeling. No one else seemed to be worried or scared. I was on the lookout though. I was watching for someone. Waiting to see the moment that was about to come. Waiting for the sign to know if I really did save my son or if my world was about to be smashed to bits again. I went with the flow of things. I realized we were getting ready for bed. It was bath time and Alaina was eager to help me bathe CJ. She has always been a big helper. I held tight to CJ afraid to let anyone touch him. I was still on guard watching and waiting for something. I ran the water in the sink and pulled up a chair for Alaina to help me. I placed CJ in the water with my hand underneath him. Everything seemed normal. Everything seemed real. I was home and I was happy. I turned my head like always to get the wash cloth that already had soap on it to wash CJ. In the split moment I let my guard fall and thats when it happened. I turned my head back to see Alaina pouring water on CJ's face. She was drowning him!! I was too late by the time I got him out of the sink and away from her. I was crying. I couldn't believe it. But everything around me disappeared and Alaina transformed into this Angel. I couldn't see her face and she was so bright I couldn't even tell you what she looked like physically. All she said was her name was Bethany and it was time for CJ to go. I begged her to go away and let me have my son but she said that this was what was meant to be and it was time for me to give him back to her. Then like that they were gone.

I woke up the next morning confused and still I wonder what this dream was meant for. Who is Bethany? Why would she come in the form of my daughter? So many different questions and all revolving around the one person I want most in this world. One day I will know the meaning to this dream and I have done some research. You would be amazed as to what you can find with the little details. I haven't had another for real dream like these since this one. Its been a few months now, but I'm looking and waiting for the next one. I have a feeling that these dreams come when they affect the most important people in my lives. I dont want another of anyone else but I'm waiting for the ones that have to do with my son. I have little dreams of him from time to time. I know it is him reaching out to me telling me he is okay and that he loves and misses me. I know that because I can feel him. I know it is him. I don't know how to explain it any other way then I just know.

Maybe I'll see him again tonight. I'm hoping because I really miss him.