Dreams

Dreams are something I cannot explain but I am one of those people who believe in my dreams. I remember only a few of my dreams I have ever had. These dreams that I remember are dreams that have felt like I wasn't dreaming. Dreams that somehow have meaning and I didn't know their meaning until the moments came. I first noticed These dreams back when my grandfather past away. I would say I was about 13 years old. I was in the band, second chair clarinet at that! Well in my dream I was in an orchestra. It was beautiful music that was playing. Music that you could put on close your eyes and imagine a waltz, like Cinderella and Prince Charming. Well all of a sudden (in my dream) a boy came up to me while I was playing and asked me to dance. I took his hand and he spun me around. Before I knew it I was dancing this waltz with this boy and I was dressed up in a beautiful gown. I closed my eyes and we danced and danced in the clouds until the music stopped. When I opened my eyes I looked at the boy only to realize it was my grandfather. He smiled at me and said he had to go. I was confused and I asked to go with him but he told me I couldn't go with him. He kissed me on top of my head and he disappeared. The next morning my grandfather passed away.

This May something similar happened. I had a dream around mother's day. A horrible dream about my father in law and my son. It was like any day. I was home and it was normal routine with the kids. Feedings, cartoons, laundry, dishes, etc. At some point I was sitting there with Alaina, CJ was napping, and I received a phone call saying Clint's father had a heart attack! I was heartbroken to receive the news and I didn't know what to do. I had to tell Clint. After I got off the phone I went upstairs only to realize my son wasn't breathing! I woke up from this dream scared out of my mind. I went to my son, picked him up and held him the rest of the night and in the morning I called Clint's father. I didn't know the meaning of that dream until a week later when I found my son not breathing in his crib.

The next dream I had was after that horrible day in May. I found myself in a room that reminded me of a hospital but there was no machinery. Just a quiet room with a rocking chair. It was peaceful. I was sitting there just me and CJ and I was holding him. I stood up with him when the door opened and I didn't look up. I just kept looking at CJ. He was smiling at me. He reached up to my face with his cute little hands and touched my face. I was so happy just holding him. Then I felt someone stand behind me looking down on CJ too. He put one arm around my waist and the other around the arm I was holding CJ with. At that moment CJ looked at me and his eyes lite up. He looked at the man then back at me and all he said was Daddy. I woke up from that dream and it was the first night Clint was home two days after the baby passed away.

This dream was a hard dream to dream. Something I found myself waking up in the middle of the night crying to. I was nowhere specific. Everything around me was white, but not really white but bright and peaceful. All I saw was my beautiful son sitting there in his bouncer. Oh how he loved that bouncer. He was laughing and playing in it. I was so happy to see him. I missed him so much! He was happy to see me too. This time though I wasn't holding him. I don't know why I wasn't cause I wanted to run to him and hold him. I just sat there and watched him. Then he looked away and then back at me. He reached out his hands as if he wanted me to pick him up. I didn't pick him up as much as I wanted to. He almost looked sad, like he didn't understand why. He then asked me 'mommy will you come with me?' As much as I wanted to just go with me I knew I couldn't. I wanted to reach out and pick him up and just walk with him. Everything in me was screaming hold him, but I didn't. All I did was look at him and I said 'no baby mommy can't go with you.' Then he disappeared. The next morning I buried my son.

I didn't dream after that for a while. When I finally did dream again it was of CJ. This dream I found myself doing research on everything! This dream had so many details and so many people and names to pay attention to. I couldn't believe how real this dream felt and how much I could remember and replayed over and over again to understand it. I still don't know the meaning to this dream. It started out that God gave us one more day with CJ. It was 24 hours we got back with our son. We enjoyed the day from the moment the sun rose. Then all of a sudden Clint came running in saying 'Heather I found a way we can save him. There's a loop hole.' I didn't know what he meant all I knew was we were leaving. Clint and I were leaving and we had CJ with us. We were running from something, or someone. I didn't know who or what but we were running. We found ourselves running down this alley way and Clint said 'we have to keep going we are almost there.' Then this black guy (I cant remember his name) was there. He was homeless and he said 'Im sorry but you cant get through here.' We begged and pleaded with him to let us pass because we needed to save our son. This guy despite not letting us through gave me this feeling of he was helping us and that we may not understand but this was the way it had to be. It was almost like how you get that feeling when you find yourself praying to God and he answers you in ways you didn't expect. Clint was furious and he fought this guy. He threw him out of the way and was wrestling with him. All I heard was Clint yelling for me to keep going that I would know how to save our son when I got there. I didn't know where I was going but I ran. I ran for what seemed like hours. For one split second I closed my eyes and when they opened I was home. I was in my house with my family. Alaina was there and I had CJ in my arms. I still had that worried feeling. No one else seemed to be worried or scared. I was on the lookout though. I was watching for someone. Waiting to see the moment that was about to come. Waiting for the sign to know if I really did save my son or if my world was about to be smashed to bits again. I went with the flow of things. I realized we were getting ready for bed. It was bath time and Alaina was eager to help me bathe CJ. She has always been a big helper. I held tight to CJ afraid to let anyone touch him. I was still on guard watching and waiting for something. I ran the water in the sink and pulled up a chair for Alaina to help me. I placed CJ in the water with my hand underneath him. Everything seemed normal. Everything seemed real. I was home and I was happy. I turned my head like always to get the wash cloth that already had soap on it to wash CJ. In the split moment I let my guard fall and thats when it happened. I turned my head back to see Alaina pouring water on CJ's face. She was drowning him!! I was too late by the time I got him out of the sink and away from her. I was crying. I couldn't believe it. But everything around me disappeared and Alaina transformed into this Angel. I couldn't see her face and she was so bright I couldn't even tell you what she looked like physically. All she said was her name was Bethany and it was time for CJ to go. I begged her to go away and let me have my son but she said that this was what was meant to be and it was time for me to give him back to her. Then like that they were gone.

I woke up the next morning confused and still I wonder what this dream was meant for. Who is Bethany? Why would she come in the form of my daughter? So many different questions and all revolving around the one person I want most in this world. One day I will know the meaning to this dream and I have done some research. You would be amazed as to what you can find with the little details. I haven't had another for real dream like these since this one. Its been a few months now, but I'm looking and waiting for the next one. I have a feeling that these dreams come when they affect the most important people in my lives. I dont want another of anyone else but I'm waiting for the ones that have to do with my son. I have little dreams of him from time to time. I know it is him reaching out to me telling me he is okay and that he loves and misses me. I know that because I can feel him. I know it is him. I don't know how to explain it any other way then I just know.

Maybe I'll see him again tonight. I'm hoping because I really miss him.

One More Day

If I could have one more day to do and say all the things I wish I could now I would like to say Id be okay. If I could have one more day with you I would tell you everything you already know. I would tell you how much I love you. I would tell you how sorry I am for not being able to stop this from happening. I would ask you to forgive me for failing you. I would hold you close and I wouldn't let you go. I would tell you how much I missed you when you are gone. If God could grant me just this one wish Id understand more. I'm so lost without you, but with one more day I could find myself once again.

This world just isn't the same anymore and I don't know how to go on without you. I find myself getting angry with people, with friends and family that I love. All because they have found a way to move on. I feel like I'm the only one still sad from missing you. With one more day I could take all this anger and throw it away. I would tell you many many times how much I love you and how you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. How all my life I have dreamed of you. I would hold you and kiss you. I would close my eyes and smell you all around me. I would listen for your laugh that brightened every moment of my day. All of this would do me good if God gave me one more day!

I found this poem and It touched me. I wanted to share it so that everyone could tell their loved ones how they feel cause at some point tomorrow will not come.

If I knew it would be the last time that Id see you fall asleep. Id tuck you in more tightly and pray the lord your soul to keep. If I knew it would be the last time that Id see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more. If I knew it would be the last time Id hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word and play it back day after day. If I knew it would be the last time I could spare and extra minute or two to say I love you, instead of assuming you would know I do. If I knew it would be the last time I would share your day, well Im sure you'll have so many more so ill just let this one slip away. For surely there is always tomorrow to make up for an over sight and we always get a second chance to make everything right. There will always be another day to say our I love you's and certainly theres another chance to say our anything I can do's. But just in case I might be wrong and today is all I get I would like to say how much I love you and hope we never forget. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone young or old alike and today maybe the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight. So if you're waiting for tomorrow why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes you'll surely regret the day, that you didn't take that extra time for a smile a hug or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone what turned out to be their one last wish. So hold your loved ones close today and whisper in their ear. Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear. Take the time to say I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, or Its okay. And if tomorrow never comes you'll have no regrets about today

I pray that God forgives me for all the anger I have held against him. For months and months I have been angry with him and yelled at him. For months I have cursed at him and blamed him. I know you are with him now and I know you are in good hands. I cant make excuses but I can say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the angry and hatred I gave to God because I was jealous you are with him now and not with me. All this time I was angry at him I should have been confiding in him. Trusting that he would take care of you. Knowing that you are not alone. I didn't know that loving you could hurt so much, but I wouldn't change a thing because I love you just the same.

If only God gave me One More Day....

I Wonder

There are many things I wonder about. Many questions I ask and don't know how to answer. Many things I've thought about and wonder, did that really happen? Or moments that happen and I think I've done this before. (deja vu like moments) I recently read a book called Heaven is for real. I got the idea to buy it and read it from another mother who lost her baby. She talked about it in her blog and how great of a book it was and how it gave her hopes and beliefs. She was right, it is a great story to read. It is a story about a little boy who at the age of 3 almost died. It is truly amazing what he went through and his trip to heaven and back. Reading this book I found so many emotions going through me. Excitement for what to look forward to. Questions I have that I cant get answers from. Also beliefs that I have had all along being confirmed and even more detailed then I could have ever imagined.

I do believe in Heaven and I have all these ideas of what it will be like. I get nervous if I am worthy of heaven and I hope and pray that I am. I know that one day I will see my son again. I miss him so very much. There are things I want to say to him. I want to tell him how much I love him. There are things I want to see him do, like walking or talking. I want to see who he would grow up to be. Most of all I want to hold him and show him how much I love him. I wonder though if he already knows all this. I wonder if he tried to tell me things. I wonder if he tries to tell Alaina things. So many things that happen over time make me wonder. Like last night, Alaina has been sick with really high fevers and coughing all the time. When she fell asleep she started talking in her sleep and she was talking to CJ. I couldn't make out everything she was talking about and I don't know what he said to her but I know they were playing together. That makes me wonder if that is him coming to comfort her or does he miss her and wanted to see her. Maybe both cause its not the first time she talked to him since he has left. There are days where she is playing in her imagination world and she is playing and talking to CJ. Times like these make me believe that yes he does miss us and he wants us to know he is there, at least thats what I hope it is.

I also wonder if when you go to heaven you can see what the future has to hold. For a while now Alaina talks about how she has a sister (and if you already know we have two children CJ and Alaina). I have asked her before and she claims her and CJ have talked about it. No I am not pregnant and No I have had no other pregnancies besides Alaina's and CJ's. So where would Alaina get the idea she has a sister? A sister she talks to when she plays. Its confusing to me and makes me wonder. There is so much out there that I do not know. One day I will know and one day is a day I look forward to. I have so much I need to do before then. When that one day comes though I will welcome it with open arms because when i close my arms I hope to close them in a hug around my sweet precious angel.

Dear CJ,

I write this letter to you in hopes that you hear it in Heaven. I cant believe today makes ten months since you have gone home to God. I hope Heaven is all that I dreamed it would be. I know you are well taken care of there. I hope that you have found your great grandfather. I know if you did there is nothing to worry about cause he is the best grandfather I could have ever asked for. I like to imagine that you did find him and that he sings to you like he used to sing to me. on of my favorite songs he used to sing was a called a "picture of me without you" by Lorrie Morgan.  He used to always sing it to me while he rocked me. I hope you enjoy his singing just as much. I hope you remember but I used to sing it to you too. I hummed it more then sang it cause I cant sing good, but it used to calm you when I rocked you.

Imagine a world where no music was playing

And think of a church with nobody praying

Have you ever looked up at a sky with no blue?

Then you've seen a picture of me without you

Have you walked in a garden where nothing was growing

Or stood by a river where nothing was flowing

If you've seen a red rose unkissed by the dew

Then you've seen a picture of me without you

Can you picture heaven with no angels singing

Or a quite Sunday morning with no church bells ringing

If you've watched as the heart of a child breaks in two

Then you've seen a picture of me without you

I truly believe that you are there with him and he sings this song to you! It is one of my safe memories when things get rough. All I have to do is close my eyes and I can hear it. I miss you so much. I hate waking up without you here. There are days where I feel like I'm living in this horrible nightmare and I will wake up any minute to hear your cry, to see your smile.  You are the most beautiful baby boy I ever saw and ever will see. I love you with all my heart. 

Your Daddy and sister miss you too. It is so hard to see them going through all this. It breaks my heart even more to know I cant heal them. We all try to be as normal as we can. Im not sure we will ever be normal again, not without you. We all miss you so much. Im not sure how we got here today, I cant believe I have lived ten months without you. I never thought I would have to live a day without you here. I'm learning how to live without you even though I don't want to. I wish Heaven wasn't so far away. I would come to you if I could. I miss you everyday and I will love you for forever! I will be with you again one day and I cant wait to hold you and see you smile! I love you!

Love,

Mommy

Heaven is for Real!

Heaven is for real:

¹³ People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴ When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”¹⁶ And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

You know it truly amazes me how man people do not believe in God and Heaven. I'm not a crazy religious person. I randomly attend church. There are things I do not understand about God and Heaven, but I do believe! I was raised a Catholic and the ideal of Heaven being our home after we leave here. Earth is our temporary home and when God is ready will call us all home to Heaven when it is our time. Simple enough for me.

Even after the death of my son and even though I was so angry at God for quiet sometime I never stopped believing in Him or Heaven. I will do all I can so God will call me home one day to be with my son again! That day is far away but not soon enough! I miss my son like crazy and am excited for the day I will get to hold him again. With that being said.....

A few weeks back I was really disturbed and upset. I'm not sure why but it is still bothering me now. A girl said something about how Heaven isn't real. That it is a waste of time to believe in something that no one can prove exists. That after we die we are just a pile of bones rotting away and we no longer exists. I normally am very understanding that people believe different things and God will deal with people who don't believe in His own way. Still I was very upset by all of this. I truly believe my son is in Heaven waiting for me. I still feel him around me daily! I can feel when he is missing me and thinking of me. When I dream of him it is him coming to me telling me "Mommy I'm okay! I love you!" I just know it is him! I just feel so bad for this girl too. She really has no idea what it is like. I pray that one day she does believe. I would be afraid to not be a believer. What would you have to look forward to?

Has it really been ten months?

It has come to my attention that time does not really seem to stop all because my world has been shattered. It keeps moving on no matter what I think or feel. I just cant believe it has dragged me along with it. As much as I want time to stop and rewind it keeps moving forward and I'm hanging on by a thread! It still feels like yesterday when God called my sweet angel home. I can still close my eyes and see every moment of that day. I can still hear his laugh as we played with Clint on the webcam. I can still smell him in the air, even if just for a moment. I cant still feel every break my heart made. It is like I watch myself from the outside as a movie replays over and over in my head. Every scream, every tear, every second in those short minutes that went by. Why?

I hold onto that memory even though its so heartbreaking because it is the last time I held my baby boy. It was his last moments here that I just cant let go. If you asked me I could tell you every minute and every detail from morning until it happened. I could even tell you every minute of the hour we spent in the hospital before the doctors stopped trying. I could tell you every second as I sat there and watched his heartbeat slow down until it stopped. I could tell you the moment it stopped that my world was shattered into pieces. What I cannot tell you is what was to come after. I was lost and have been lost for quiet some time now.

There was a few weeks if not months of my life that I simple hardly remember anything! Why would I right? The pain is just to unbearable to think about! It has only been recently that I have started to want to live again and part of me still feels bad because how can I live without my son. How do I come back from this and think it is okay to be completely happy? Is there such a thing? There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel this pain . What gets me most though is that time really does go on without me noticing. I have realized that it has been ten months and I have no idea how I got here.

I wish time could rewind....I miss my baby boy!

Patches and Princess's Boutique

Since May 15 2010 I have felt very lost in my purpose in life. I have always known when I grew up I wanted to be a mom. It is what I love to do. It is what I am best at! From the moment I conceive on I am in total enjoyment. I love the whole process of pregnancy, labor, and all the enjoyments a child brings to your life! This is what I am meant to do.

After my son passed away I couldn't help by question all this. Am I really meant to be a mom? If so why is God taking my baby from me? I have struggled daily with all of this and really my confidence has gone down somewhat. There was a few months were I didn't care about myself at all. What was the point of getting out of bed? Why even bother with anything when God was going to take it all away in the end? I lost my self for a while. Thanks to my best friend Amanda Katsilas she showed me there was other things I could do to keep my mind off things. She was with me everyday since it happened and I will forever be grateful she didn't go running for the hills like most people do. Mandi showed me I could put my thoughts and feelings into making things. I have always been a crafty person but never pushed for it. I started taking way more photos then I normally do and I am a photo fanatic. I started pulling out the scrap books again and making my memories into art.

Then I found out her mom quilted! Something hit me then and I asked Mandi if her and her mom would make Alaina a quilt in memory of CJ. I must say it is the best quilt I have ever seen in my life! Alaina loved it the moment she got it and I asked Mandi to show me how to make one! We spent all summer and fall sewing and doing crafts. It was the worse summer of my life cause I struggled emotionally with the loss of my son, but then again I learned so much and Mandi was there helping me get through!

By winter time things got rough again. It was the holidays and CJ's birthday. It was also even harder because Mandi moved away as well as most of my friends and then my husband left for training. I will admit I got caught back up in another small depression. I didn't care anymore. Then one random day I decided I wanted to sew cause I love doing it! I sewed and sewed and sewed and well I haven't stopped yet! For some reason that I just do not know I feel better, I feel happier, and I feel my son with me when I sew.

So thanks to Mandi and all the work we put in I have found my calling! I am meant to be a mother because I work hard at it and I love every minute of it! I give it my all with Alaina and CJ! I will give it my all with future children if we ever have any! It is who I am. I am also now the creater of Patches and Princess's Boutique! With a little encouragement I am now starting to let myself come out and do this not only for me but for my son! He would want me to do what makes me happy! Thank you Mandi for showing me the way and being there for me always! Thank you to my wonderful son to showing me that even though he is gone he is still here with me in other ways! I will love him forever and miss him ever day! I cant wait for the day  I get to hold him again in Heaven! One day, but today I am living for these memories and the moments!