Why?

Some things I just don't understand. Most things I don't understand are in God's hands. I have belief that I have personally progressed leaps and bounds from the mess I was over three months ago. I have been more open to talking more and more. I let a little pain in more and more everyday so that I can fully let my walls down one day and open my heart again to begin being happy. It is a long hard process and I could not do it without the love and support from my husband! Not only my husband but my family and friends as well.

Last night though I was caught off guard. I have relived the horrible day every day since it happened. I will admit the more I relive it the more I see the moments I will cherish forever and less of the horrible moments that happened when God broke my heart! I have found myself dealing with it a little better. Last night however I read a blog that broke my heart. I read this girls blog about the loss of her daughter and the story behind it. It was the first time I truly found myself reliving the loss of my son through someone else's story. When I was reading her story I could not believe how similar it was to my very own story of my sons loss. It broke my heart and I was caught off guard. It was the first time I cried myself to sleep in a long time. I just do not understand why this happens to such sweet babies. How could this happen? Why does this happen? It breaks my heart that other people have to go through what I just went through. No one should ever have to endure that kind of pain! I would take it away from everyone if I could cause it is the worst imaginable heartache you could imagine.

My thoughts and prayers will always go out to those families that have been through all that I have been going through. I miss my son every day and not a day goes by that I dont think of him! Even though I dont understand God and his plan I do know that God only takes the best angels to heaven and he has the most precious angel in my life! I will always love my son and the day will come that God will bring me home to him! Until that day comes....

Road Trips!

Here we are heading out to go see Clint in Georgia! Alaina was so excited to be leaving! I just couldn't get her there fast enough!

We made a pit stop in Illinois to play and stretch our legs! She is looking so cute in her outfit she picked out especially for Clint! I just love how she dresses herself now!

We spent the night in a hotel in Chatanooga! I was sad to drive though it at night time but the scenery is beautiful!

Clint had a surprise for her when we got there! Princess PJ's! She put them on right away and wore them all night!

Hanging out with Barbie and Tiana while her daddy bbq'ed some burgers for dinner!

Boy did they miss eachother!

Posing for the camera as always! She just loved being outside all week camping!

Clint too her to an indoor playground and they had this pretty cool dance floor. It was her favorite part of the park!

You even got to play dodgeball on it! It was way fun!

Of course you cant go camping without making some Smores!

I was just super proud of this fire because I was the one to get it started, Clint could keep it lit! If you want it done right you gotta do it yourself lol! 

My Sweet Angel!

To this day I can still remember everything like it happened yesterday.  Every little moment. Every Tear.  Every break I felt my heart make. There are things that I now realize that I didn't notice then, Things that you just don't notice until you relive it ever day down to every little detail.  Things I'm not so sure I know how to explain. All I can say is it was a brief moment that God showed me peace before he broke my heart. A moment I can still feel when I close my eyes and think of how much I miss my baby. It was a moment God wanted me to remember as if he knew I would need this memory in order to stay strong.

I know now that I knew that morning something was different. I would have never known otherwise unless I spent every day thinking of every detail that started my day and ended it on May 15, 2010. This day will forever be the worse day of my life. I woke up that morning and felt a certain happiness and love. Alaina slept in for the first time in weeks that day and CJ just laid there with me in bed. He just soaked up the love and gave me slobbery kisses all morning. I woke up that morning thinking today is going to be a good day. The sun was out we had no plans but to snuggle together all day. I was happy with my life. We went about a lazy day and all day I held CJ, played with him, and we talked to Daddy together. When he fell asleep I took him to bed. Realizing it now, my baby boy took one more moment to show me he loved me. As I laid him down he opened his eyes and looked at me and he was happy! The happiest baby I had ever know or ever will know. He just looked at me and put his little hand up to my face. I comforted him back to sleep without realizing that was the last time I was ever gonna hold my baby again.

So even with all the heart ache that came later. All the anger towards God for putting our family through all of this pain he does give you those little moments that you will remember for the rest of your life. Those little moments that are cherished. Those little moments are what makes you hold on for something more, something you don't even know what it is until you have reached it. God gave me those moments so I can see the love that is still all around us to help us through. God only takes the best angels to heaven and he needed mine.  I will never know why and I may never understand why. I miss him more and more every day! I love him with all my heart and soul! I wait for the day that God will bring me home to see my sweet angel again! Until then Im looking and living for those moments!