To this day I can still remember everything like it happened yesterday. Every little moment. Every Tear. Every break I felt my heart make. There are things that I now realize that I didn't notice then, Things that you just don't notice until you relive it ever day down to every little detail. Things I'm not so sure I know how to explain. All I can say is it was a brief moment that God showed me peace before he broke my heart. A moment I can still feel when I close my eyes and think of how much I miss my baby. It was a moment God wanted me to remember as if he knew I would need this memory in order to stay strong.
I know now that I knew that morning something was different. I would have never known otherwise unless I spent every day thinking of every detail that started my day and ended it on May 15, 2010. This day will forever be the worse day of my life. I woke up that morning and felt a certain happiness and love. Alaina slept in for the first time in weeks that day and CJ just laid there with me in bed. He just soaked up the love and gave me slobbery kisses all morning. I woke up that morning thinking today is going to be a good day. The sun was out we had no plans but to snuggle together all day. I was happy with my life. We went about a lazy day and all day I held CJ, played with him, and we talked to Daddy together. When he fell asleep I took him to bed. Realizing it now, my baby boy took one more moment to show me he loved me. As I laid him down he opened his eyes and looked at me and he was happy! The happiest baby I had ever know or ever will know. He just looked at me and put his little hand up to my face. I comforted him back to sleep without realizing that was the last time I was ever gonna hold my baby again.
So even with all the heart ache that came later. All the anger towards God for putting our family through all of this pain he does give you those little moments that you will remember for the rest of your life. Those little moments that are cherished. Those little moments are what makes you hold on for something more, something you don't even know what it is until you have reached it. God gave me those moments so I can see the love that is still all around us to help us through. God only takes the best angels to heaven and he needed mine. I will never know why and I may never understand why. I miss him more and more every day! I love him with all my heart and soul! I wait for the day that God will bring me home to see my sweet angel again! Until then Im looking and living for those moments!
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