So what is normal anymore? I am having a very hard time finding the answer to this question. What I remember normal being over a year ago is way different then what I am doing now. A year ago I had everything and I mean everything in tight wraps. My finances were okay. (I was always on top of my budgeting and bills) My life was in order. I had the perfect life. I have the most loving and supportive husband and one would be lucky to have. I have the most beautiful kids God could have given to me. (One boy and one girl at that! : D) A dog and a cat! It was what I have always wanted out of life. I had a happy family that loved me and I loved them! But now that normal that I knew and loved so much is broken. My family has been hurt beyond belief. How could this be? I still have the most wonderful husband in the world and the most beautiful little girl that could ever be. How could we have lost our sweet boy? Why would God do this to our family? What did we do wrong that says we deserve this heartbreak?
You know thats another thing that gets to me. What did I do that was so wrong?? I try my best to be the best mommy in the world for my children. Anyone who has been around me for ten minutes can tell I am way cautious when it comes to my children and that I love them unconditionally. I would bend over backwards to make my kids happy and keep them safe. So again what did I do wrong. There are people in this world, people that I can not name at the moment, that neglect their kids, dislike their kids, abuse their kids, etc and God gives them another child??? Come on now! Where does that make sense? God would allow a horrible mother the opportunity to birth another child but then take mine away?? How is that even right? I just dont understand it. Is he trying to teach me a lesson? If so I dont get what he is teaching me? I try my best to be a good mom. Im by far from perfect cause like any mom I learn as I go. I have made mistakes but its a trial and error thing. Even with all that though, my children are safe and loved. Never once put in the position to be hurt. I just dont understand.
For a long time now I have fought with these questions in my head. For a long time now I have still no answers that I am looking for. I have come a long way in the past year and I still have more to overcome. Right now I am still looking for my new "normal" and still haven't found it. Maybe I never will. Im still holding on to so much that I'm not ready to let go of. So much that keeps me feeling CJ is still here with me. I am still waiting. I will always be waiting. Waiting for the day to come where God changes his mind and gives me back my baby. I will always wait for it. One day I will wake up from this horrible nightmare I am living and I will find my son in my arms where he belongs. I will never stop waiting for this day! My life will never be complete without him. I will never be truly happy without him. I pray to God everynight to tell him Im sorry for being angry at him and to ask his forgiveness. Maybe when he hears my prayers he will then see all the heart ache my fmaily is going through. Maybe then will he believe we need our miracle.
Until then I will wait. Its what I am good at. It is all I know how to do. So I will wait and one day, just one day my waiting will be over and this nightmare will end and I will be happy once again!
