I Wonder

There are many things I wonder about. Many questions I ask and don't know how to answer. Many things I've thought about and wonder, did that really happen? Or moments that happen and I think I've done this before. (deja vu like moments) I recently read a book called Heaven is for real. I got the idea to buy it and read it from another mother who lost her baby. She talked about it in her blog and how great of a book it was and how it gave her hopes and beliefs. She was right, it is a great story to read. It is a story about a little boy who at the age of 3 almost died. It is truly amazing what he went through and his trip to heaven and back. Reading this book I found so many emotions going through me. Excitement for what to look forward to. Questions I have that I cant get answers from. Also beliefs that I have had all along being confirmed and even more detailed then I could have ever imagined.

I do believe in Heaven and I have all these ideas of what it will be like. I get nervous if I am worthy of heaven and I hope and pray that I am. I know that one day I will see my son again. I miss him so very much. There are things I want to say to him. I want to tell him how much I love him. There are things I want to see him do, like walking or talking. I want to see who he would grow up to be. Most of all I want to hold him and show him how much I love him. I wonder though if he already knows all this. I wonder if he tried to tell me things. I wonder if he tries to tell Alaina things. So many things that happen over time make me wonder. Like last night, Alaina has been sick with really high fevers and coughing all the time. When she fell asleep she started talking in her sleep and she was talking to CJ. I couldn't make out everything she was talking about and I don't know what he said to her but I know they were playing together. That makes me wonder if that is him coming to comfort her or does he miss her and wanted to see her. Maybe both cause its not the first time she talked to him since he has left. There are days where she is playing in her imagination world and she is playing and talking to CJ. Times like these make me believe that yes he does miss us and he wants us to know he is there, at least thats what I hope it is.

I also wonder if when you go to heaven you can see what the future has to hold. For a while now Alaina talks about how she has a sister (and if you already know we have two children CJ and Alaina). I have asked her before and she claims her and CJ have talked about it. No I am not pregnant and No I have had no other pregnancies besides Alaina's and CJ's. So where would Alaina get the idea she has a sister? A sister she talks to when she plays. Its confusing to me and makes me wonder. There is so much out there that I do not know. One day I will know and one day is a day I look forward to. I have so much I need to do before then. When that one day comes though I will welcome it with open arms because when i close my arms I hope to close them in a hug around my sweet precious angel.