Has it really been ten months?

It has come to my attention that time does not really seem to stop all because my world has been shattered. It keeps moving on no matter what I think or feel. I just cant believe it has dragged me along with it. As much as I want time to stop and rewind it keeps moving forward and I'm hanging on by a thread! It still feels like yesterday when God called my sweet angel home. I can still close my eyes and see every moment of that day. I can still hear his laugh as we played with Clint on the webcam. I can still smell him in the air, even if just for a moment. I cant still feel every break my heart made. It is like I watch myself from the outside as a movie replays over and over in my head. Every scream, every tear, every second in those short minutes that went by. Why?

I hold onto that memory even though its so heartbreaking because it is the last time I held my baby boy. It was his last moments here that I just cant let go. If you asked me I could tell you every minute and every detail from morning until it happened. I could even tell you every minute of the hour we spent in the hospital before the doctors stopped trying. I could tell you every second as I sat there and watched his heartbeat slow down until it stopped. I could tell you the moment it stopped that my world was shattered into pieces. What I cannot tell you is what was to come after. I was lost and have been lost for quiet some time now.

There was a few weeks if not months of my life that I simple hardly remember anything! Why would I right? The pain is just to unbearable to think about! It has only been recently that I have started to want to live again and part of me still feels bad because how can I live without my son. How do I come back from this and think it is okay to be completely happy? Is there such a thing? There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel this pain . What gets me most though is that time really does go on without me noticing. I have realized that it has been ten months and I have no idea how I got here.

I wish time could rewind....I miss my baby boy!