I haven't written for a while. Not because I don't want to, but because I just don't know what to say. I have felt so completely lost again. Today is the first of May. Two weeks from now will make the one year mark that God called my angel home. I don't want this day to come. I don't even know how I got here to begin with. This whole year has been a year of waiting. A year of heartaches. A year I probably will choose to forget. It has been the hardest and worst year of my life. My waiting though seems to be coming to an end on everyone else's view points. Not too long ago CID (the investigation unit) that was investigating CJ's passing closed his case. They concluded everything as SID's related and they had no explanation for our family as to why this happened. More or less it was God's will. It doesn't help knowing this. It almost makes things worse now.
I go around and I am like an outsider looking in. I see everyone in this world, family friends and strangers moving on with their lives. Which in realty they all should because they all deserve to be happy. But not me. I'm stuck. Stuck in this nightmare and moving on without my son just seems pointless. How can everyone just seem to be so happy and no one notice how heartbreaking this really is? How am I supposed to move on from the only thing I found life worth living for. My entire life was built around me being a mom. Its all I ever wanted. It was my job my passion and my love for life. My children are my world. Now its been almost one year and that day still burns in my mind like it was yesterday. That day my dreams went up in flames. My reason for loving life burnt out. My world came crashing down and no one was there to save it. Not even God wanted to save it. So here I am left wondering and waiting. How and when am I going to ever be happy again. What is the point anymore cause I'm just so lost in everything I have worked for. How does anyone bounce back from this?
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